I decided on this for my intro and did some extensive editing (really slimmed down my sentences and made things as declarative as possible.)
Nick Adams listens to it crying. He is with his father (the doctor) and uncle George and the Indian woman and its father in the top bed, and Nick wonders. And the quilt is not moving. But Nick scans the room, not noticing. Nick stands alone between the movements. The pin slides through her skin in the doctor’s fingers with alacrity, the fishing line roseate against chiaroscuro. And when it is born and a baby, and the baby is breathing because his father smacked the breath into it, and Nick and his father and Uncle George have cleaned, Uncle George, congratulating, jubilant, lifts up the quilt, and Nick sees the blood. The doctor takes nick’s hand, leads him out to the canoe on the riverbank, only saying what Nick needs to hear to understand. He ignores the other parts as if ignoring the screams of labor. Nick notices.
I've got it italicized because I wanted to emphasize an attempt at nick's perspective that went all...whatever, like with all the "and"s. but i realized a 7 year old probably never read an art book and wouldn't think to call pink roseate. I just didn't think "pinkening" (as it's not really a word) would fly with mr. kizzier. chiaroscuro/odd shadows...no diff, right?
man, i hate having to turn in papers, or any work at all, really.
did i mention I got accepted to college to everyone (build up my confidence before I have to hand in something I had to think about)? happened like a week ago, pretty excited...
See everyone tommorrow
1 comment:
Now you've got it, Mark! I hope you get this before class. Two things: thanks so much for taking the time to comment on my paper. It was a rough, rough draft and I am pleased that you got what you did from it in the state that I sent it. As for you: not only have you done a superb job closely reading the Nick stories and making some extremely insightful assessments, but now your prose mimics Hemingways, at least what I've read of you intro, and it works beautfully. If you managed to carry that off through the entire paper, you've nailed it! (In my opinion) Imagery and points are clear but not boring. You've placed the reader right next to Nick as you go about your critiquing. Nicely done! I am the student editor for the school's lit magazine, maybe you'd like to try your hand at writing something to submit? Just a thought...I think you write very well.
On yet another note: Congratulations on your acceptance to?!!!
See you in class.
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